I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Randomize