My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
40s are totally the cure
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Randomize
