apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
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