im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
