He is such a slut. More and more my type.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
