So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
