I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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