I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
