He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
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