im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I just had sex on a roof
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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