Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
