you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
