What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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