So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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