well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
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