You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Randomize
