i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
