i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
he told me it was like eating gods vagina.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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