I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
