This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
Randomize
