just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
