Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
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