remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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