I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
