Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
This beer is not sobering me up at all
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
