Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
