he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
