listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
