Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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