i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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