I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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