About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
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