so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
