I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
