Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Randomize
