he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize