Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Randomize
