All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
