I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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