According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
