The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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