i was drunk at family dinner telling about my gay brothers sex ads on criags list
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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