i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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