So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
