I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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