I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
