Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
