Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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