her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
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