Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
Randomize
