I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Holy shit dude........stairs
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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