you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
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