I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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