I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
This toilet bowl is my home.
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