Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
All the doctor said was why
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
