I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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